How to Make Good Friends as an Adult

Making healthy, adult friendships is harder than it seems! Here’s five tips on how to make good friendships.

Making friends felt so much easier as kids! Maybe it wasn’t a breeze, but it was so much easier when surrounded by other kids like us at school, going out to recess with them several times a day, sharing in life together, and seeing each other every day. Trying to make friends as an adult feels isolating and risky. All the other grown-ups have friends and lives and sometimes seem like they just don’t want anything to do with you. So, now what?

In truth, you’re probably not going to find that making new friends is a cinch. And, the uncomfortable feelings are likely to stick around. But, if you’re feeling stuck and aren’t sure where to go to make new friends, consider these steps!

1. Think about what traits matter to you in a friend.

This step may feel unfamiliar if your friends have always fallen into your lap, but it’s a great starting point if you’re doing the friend “hunting!” Good friends share some important commonalities. The lifestyle of your good friend is probably going to be similar to yours.

Is it important to you that your friend is a foody? Maybe you really need a friend that shares in your faith. Does your friend need to be a mother, a single woman, or a teacher like you? What morals matter in a good friend to you? Figuring a few of these things out will help you with the next steps!

2. Consider where your ideal friends might be hanging out.

This step builds on the last one. Let’s say an important trait in your friend is that they value their health like you. Your good friend hopefully drinks lots of water every day, goes to the gym two or three times a week, and likes to eat good food. Knowing what you do now, you can start to imagine where you might run into this person. In this example, you may be more likely to find your new friend at a gym class, on the running trails, the sporting goods store, or your favorite health food store.

That example probably doesn’t fit you perfectly, and maybe not every example is that easy and straightforward, but don’t make it too complicated! You’re probably looking for a friend who is kind of like you, so think about where you might find them!

3. Try something new.

So you’re probably thinking, “This is nothing new. I’ve been looking for a friend at my 6:00am gym class for months and nothing is happening.” This is the hard part. Now you have to try something different. I don’t mean go somewhere new - after all, that’s why we just considered where your ideal friends are hanging out.

If the way things are going hasn’t been working for you, then you’ll need to make some tweaks! If you’re not seeing potential friends at your 6:00am gym class, maybe you need to go to the 7:00am class instead. Perhaps, the people in the 6:00am class are great, but the new thing you need to try is bravely approaching a potential friend and introducing yourself. Sit somewhere new in church, sit at the counter at your favorite restaurant, bring someone a coffee, ask a deeper question - the options are endless! Now is your chance to get creative and try something new…be brave!

4. Be the friend you hope to find.

Hopefully, the last few steps helped you make some basic connections with people. This step may also apply to other relationships or friendships you’ve already had. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. So, do the things you hope a good friend will do for you with the people you hope to connect deeper with. If you hope a good friend will invite you out for drinks after work, ask the friend-in-mind if they’d like to grab drinks after work with you! If your ideal friend will bring dinner by for you when life gets hard, do that for the people you want to befriend. If a good friend in your book sends a check-in text every so often, do that!

This part can be hard because you’re not sure what the fruit will be, and other people probably need a bit of repetition to see that you’re making an effort with them. You might have to stick it out in this step for a bit. But, if you keep it up, these things won’t go unnoticed!

5. Get open feedback about your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.

If all of this is still leaving you feeling stuck, maybe consider asking for feedback from a thoughtful, honest person in your life. We all have blind spots, and maybe someone else can gently point some out to you. An outsider’s perspective is one thing no one can give to themselves. An honest person will be able to tell you if you’re blind to something - maybe you smell bad and had no idea!

This is also where counseling can actually be very helpful. Not only can a counselor get to know you and help provide you with this honest feedback, but a good counselor will make bigger connections as they get to know you. A good counselor will be looking for themes in what you tell them and may be able to provide you with insightful information about yourself, while also comforting you through a lonely and intimidating season of trying to make new friends. If this is something you’re looking for, feel free to learn more about me and reach out if you’re looking for a counselor. I’d love to get to know you.

I hope your journey to friendship is smooth, fulfilling, and a healthy challenge for you - all the best!