Fear of Failure

So you have a big goal or dream, but fear of failing keeps you from chasing it. What does this mean and what do you do about it?

Quote by Ryan Leak

What does my fear of failure mean?

Being afraid of failing might be a good thing! It probably suggests that whatever this goal or dream of yours is feels very important to you! If it wasn’t important, you probably wouldn’t care if you failed at it. However, the truth is that the fear you’re experiencing probably runs deeper than you’d think. Perhaps success and failure feel undefined, so you don’t know which you’ve attained. Or is it possible that failure isn’t even the part you’re actually afraid of?

What is my fear about?

If you’re noticing you’re afraid to chase your goals or dreams, take a moment to stop and think about what the worst part of failing would be. Is it the money you could lose? Disappointing your spouse, kids, or parents? Maybe the worst part of failing would be the witnesses to it. It could be the criticism, judgement, or shame of not measuring up.

When we take a moment to think about it, we often find that the process of failing is not actually the hard part. In the process of failing often comes so much growth…even success! You’re stretched to try something new and you’re becoming a better, stronger person for it. We always grow when we’re stretched.

It’s the other elements to failure that are scary. Often times, those elements are social elements. You’re worried what someone else is going to think about you not being good enough. Will they tell their friends how badly I failed? Will they have criticism for my choices?

Or worse yet for many people is the shame that would be heaped upon you by your own thoughts. You’ll tell yourself, “It was pathetic to try.” “I knew I couldn’t do it.” “I’m such an embarrassment.” It feels like those thoughts will never stop.

Believe me when I say that I hope this isn’t true for you. But, I know it can be true for so many people, maybe all of us. You’re not crazy for hoping to avoid all of this, and maybe it’s what has you paralyzed in fear, afraid to go after that goal.

How can I handle that fear?

So if you’ve spent a little time thinking, you might be noticing that your fear isn’t actually about the failing itself. It’s the people. As someone who believes in community, my hope is that you are surrounded by people who will support and encourage you, not tear you down. But either way, what are you going to do?

Consider first who your fear pertains to and why.

• If you’re afraid of letting someone else down, like your spouse, talk with them! Tell them what you want to accomplish and ask them if they can support you in that. Pick out some practical guidelines that you can agree on - How much money can we spend on this/how much would we be willing to save for this? How long are we okay with me trying without success before we need to reconsider? How can I prevent letting you down? How can you support me?

• If you’re afraid of someone else’s criticism, consider that relationship. First, does their opinion truly matter to you, or are they more distant? Second, are they the kind of person you could approach? It could be that you could reach out, tell them about your crazy dreams and fears, and just see what they say. People often surprise us!

• If you’re afraid of your own criticisms or the shame you may feel if you fail, it might be time to do some evaluating. Do you tend to speak to yourself poorly? How could you be more gracious with yourself? Are you feeding your thoughts with unhealthy content? Do you extend the same grace to yourself that you would to others? Are your expectations for yourself unattainable?

The options here are practically limitless, you just have to get creative and be willing to embrace some of the discomfort. And if you do that, then you’ve already taken the first step toward your goals!

If you’re interested in receiving counseling services as you pursue your goals, I’d love to meet you! Learn more by clicking the button below!