How Secret Keeping can Destroy your Marriage
We all have some secrets…are they really that big of a deal?
Don’t we all have some secrets?
Recently, I read Alice Feeney’s Rock, Paper, Scissors (Don’t worry, no spoilers here). It’s a fabulous book that keeps you on the edge of your seat. The main characters are married and each disclose to the reader that they have some secrets from their spouse. When I finished the book, I thought about their respective secrets and the effects the secrets had on how the whole story played out. It got me thinking, “How is this similar to secret keeping in real life?” Secrets can have a profound effect on relationships and it’s no surprise that they have the potential to ruin them! So, here’s a few ways that secrets can destroy your relationships.
Secrets destroy trust.
One of the main and most obvious ways that I see secrets ruining marriages is by breaking trust. When one spouse discovers that information has been kept from them, even if it is small bits of information, it feels like a betrayal of their trust. How could they do this to me?
Primarily, trust is broken through the hurt and anger at the main offense. If your spouse shares that they have been unfaithful, you’re likely to feel angry and hurt by their actions. This is the same if the secret is regarding money, hidden activities, broken boundaries, or any other secret. The activity itself is often a betrayal in and of itself, in some way.
Secondarily, trust is broken because of the fact that information was intentionally withheld. Imagine the shock of discovering that your spouse has other arenas to their life that they intentionally hide from you. It feels humiliating. In a relationship that is meant to be open, transparent, and loving, the discovery of one partner’s “other life” can be mortifying! You thought you knew them!
This holds true with the smaller secrets, too. Suppose you find out your spouse has a secret of spending money without telling you. It probably feels frustrating at best. Where you thought there was mutual goals and respect, there is actually secrecy, sneaking around, and maybe even lying. It feels deceitful.
Lastly, secret keeping breaks trust because the one from whom information was withheld is always left wondering, “Is there more?” The very action of keeping secrets tells a partner, “I have had information kept from me in the past, who is to say that there could not be more I don’t know?” The process of regaining this trust is slow, tedious, painful, and sometimes frustrating.
But this is about secrets that come out in the open. What if the secrets stay in the dark…do they still harm the relationship?
2. Secrets change the dynamic in the relationship.
Whether the secrets stay hidden or come into the light, the existence of intentionally withheld information changes the dynamic in the relationship, causing a power struggle or a “me vs. you” dynamic.
Secrets that are in the dark make one spouse feel protective and defensive over the information they’re withholding. This may make them feel that they have a sense of power over the spouse with less information, or that they are the only one who can handle the truth. Maybe they feel defensive every time the subject gets brought up because they must protect their secrets. Even if the secret has not been exposed, it may make the spouse in dark feel that they are being controlled or played in one way or another.
If you find a secret does come into the light, you’re likely to feel completely belittled. You may wonder, "Did my spouse not think I could handle this information?” “Did my spouse not care what I would think?” or “Did my spouse really think it would make me feel better to keep me in the dark?”
What secrets really do is create a riff in the team dynamic. Healthy partners are able to take life on as teammates, but secrets put them at odds with one another.
3. Secrets break down effective communication.
Lastly, anyone in a relationship knows how important effective communication is. We spend most of our relationships honing our communication skills to work well for us. When a secret is in the midst, it damages all the effective communication skills that you worked so hard for!
Most obviously, withholding information is not an effective way to communicate. Imagine your finances are tight, so your spouse applies for a new credit card and starts paying for excess spending on that card without telling you. This is a complete lack of communication, which is not effective communication.
Continuing with this example, your spouse is feeling pressure to hide this information from you because they don’t want to upset you. In an attempt to please you, they may create more lies or dance around important conversations to protect their secret. This creates a habit of avoiding hard conversations in the relationship. Avoiding honest, hard conversations is also not effective communication.
Secrets prevent you from working toward your goals. Most couples have goals they want to work toward together, whether that is buying a house, taking a trip, having children, building wealth, etc. If you discovered your spouse was actually hiding a secret portion of their lives, you may find that you’re not so sure about your goals with them anymore. Or, maybe you aren’t sure if they’re on the same page with the goals as you are. When this happens, the relationship loses perspective on where it is going - a big communication breakdown.
It can sometimes be so tempting to keep information hidden from your spouse. When things are already tense, it might seem easier just to keep things to yourself. When you think you’ve messed up, you might feel like you can protect your spouse by hiding your mistakes. In reality, though, keeping secrets usually does more damage than good. Bringing secrets into the light is the not only the most honest option, but it is often the best one, even though it can be so difficult. If you’re finding that you and your significant other are struggling to have success getting through difficult conversations, don’t be afraid to reach out. I’d love to help you guys navigate the difficult terrain and see you to the other side.
